I always have big ideas, but never know where to begin! Even when it comes to writing a blog I can't seem to decide how to start. There are so many thoughts in my head lately, that I lay awake at night trying to sort them all out. Needless to say, when the alarm goes off in the morning I'm tired and resentful that it's another day. I have a love/hate relationship with nighttime. I love it, because I can put the kids to bed and I'm free to do whatever. (eat popcorn, read a book, talk to my hubby, sit on the couch, soak my feet, waste time on pinterest, stalk people on facebook, breathe!) I hate it, because it means tomorrow is coming and I have to do the same things all over again. (dishes, laundry, diapers, tantrums, exercise, homework, dinner, get dressed, live!)
I recently went through a dark time. I allowed the everyday challenges to overwhelm me and I took my eyes off what mattered most. I became resentful and hopeless. Anger was my constant companion. I had five little people depending on me, looking to me for love and guidance. I had nothing to give. All I wanted was my bed. Nobody likes to talk about depression. Especially not in the Christian community. It is sin to be depressed. It is a focus on self to have no desire to live. Pray harder, read your bible more, serve others. These are all truths and a part of the Christ-like living...but what do we do with people who are suffering from depression? It is a paralyzing sadness. Getting out of bed and getting dressed is a task in itself. Trying to be around other people, forget it! The feeling that I am the mother of five children and I am supposed to be happy and loving life and churning my own butter was smothering. I think at the root of depression is fear. (and chemical imbalances!) My fear was of being a mom! A little late to have second thoughts when you have five children! I realized that I didn't know what it meant to be a mom. When their babies it's easy (in a sense). A baby needs to be fed, changed, held, taught to sleep and played with. They are so cute and everything they do is new and adorable. But they become people! We call it the terrible two's, but really it should be called the 'scaryturningintoapersonwithmyownthoughtsandpersonalityoutofcontrolsinnature two's'! I guess that's kind of long, so 'terrible two's' sums it up! I am realizing as my children get older (Nate is 9, Bella 8, Levi 4 and Leah is almost 3...Daltyn is still a cute little baby!) they need constant teaching, instructing, explaining, training, discipline, example, encouragement, help, space, and an accepting of who they are. When there are so many of them it's overwhelming! At the end of the day I look back on all the ways I completely failed and fear that they will be ruined because of me! I was told once that I need to think about the future when raising my children. That every situation is an opportunity to teach them because someday they are going to be employees, wives, husbands, mothers, fathers, friends, and members of society! That is a big responsibility! It's so easy to let the business of running a home get in the way of training my children. My daughter is old enough to be in the kitchen with me learning how to make dinner, or bake cookies, but it's just easier and faster if I can do it myself. I'll show her some other time. But life is short. Before I know it she will be grown and I will be left with regret. I almost gave into this fear of motherhood. I woke up on life support four months ago. I thought they would be better off without me. That if I was gone, I wouldn't mess them up or make them like me, with my quick temper, sharp words and laziness of life. But God had other plans. (He always does, doesn't He?) He is so patient with us. I realized that even though I never had an example of a parent...He was the ultimate example. His selfless love for His children, His grace, compassion and discipline are always for our good. He is never angry or disgusted with us. He is always waiting to forgive us and restore us. He wants what's best for us, even if it means pain or disappointment for a time. These are all truths that I forget when depression has it's claws in my brain. So I am looking to Jesus for life. He has a plan. I need to stick to the plan! Even when that plan is get up, get dressed, feed children, dress children, play, clean, walk, and do it all again tomorrow. There is joy in the mundane when Christ is in the mundane. There is life in every day when Christ is in that day! So today, I am going to play dominoes, be silly, and be mom!